A Path with Heart

I was recently reminded of the time I spent meditating before my twenty-first birthday. I went on a retreat in the middle-of-nowhere Massachusetts. I participated in sitting and walking meditation sessions, giving my mind and body time to reflect upon my life up until that point.

There are two important things for us all to realize: (1) There are few people in this world who are ever able to truly understand what they want in life; and (2) Those of us who, if slowly and painfully, do happen to grasp hold of our lives, often times only have the chance to learn what we don't want in life…

"There are many powerful people who are not enlightened at all—
the most unhappy people in our society are the people who are
not dead and not alive, just numb, a zombie."

I've learned some hard lessons on the disillusionment of lost love, the difficulties of higher education, the awkwardness of making my own life separate from my friends and family, the dead-end nature of unabashed recreational drug use, and the serious nature of personal debt. Instead of shutting down and backing away from life, I hold these lessons close to my heart. As a result of a tumultuous time as a teenager, a frenzied era as a college student, and, now, an unsure but wonderful existence as a young adult, I know that learning what I don't want has beautifully illuminated what I do want and should value in my life…

"It is in discovering a wise and compassionate relationship
to all things that we find a capacity to honor them all."

Every once in a while, I get into these dark moods—"Will I ever be loved?" "What was the point of going to college?" "Where is my 'home'?" "How do I keep balance in my life?" "Do I have enough money to pay my bills this month?" I convince myself that I am wasting my life and that I have no clue how to live it properly. Then, I remember that these questions are ALWAYS more important than the answers. Like I said, there are some people who will go through life never questioning their existence, working jobs that they hate, living with a family who doesn't make them happy, and avoiding that precious and vital moment of self-awareness that I think I may now be approaching…

"Even the most exalted states and the most exceptional spiritual accomplishments
are unimportant if we cannot be happy in the most basic and ordinary ways."

I'm sure we are all sometimes hesitant and terrified of making concrete decisions. Regardless of whatever direction we choose, know that we always have friends and family to support us and memories of and experiences from the past to guide us. It's wonderful to get advice from people. It's easy to do a little research before you start a new path. But instinct is your most valuable key to success. Do what feels right…

"When we come into the present, we begin to feel the life around us again,
but we also encounter whatever we have been avoiding.
We must have the courage to face whatever is present,
our pain, our desires, our grief, our loss, our secret hopes our love:
everything that moves us most deeply."

I'm not saying that you should do what feels easy—that you should turn away from difficult situations or challenging times. I'm not saying that any one thing is going to unlock the mystery of your future. You're just going to have to put one foot in front of the other and see what happens. If I was given the opportunity to relive my life, I would choose to actively participate in every single success and failure because, if I didn't, I wouldn't be who I am today. And I love who I am. I do not view my mistakes as mistakes, but as opportunities to learn. The bottom line here is that even making a "bad" decision is infinitely more enlightening than making no decision at all. We should never feel bad or emotionally punish ourselves for being brave enough to take a stand…

"If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete."

I don't believe in God with a capital "G"; I believe in fate. I believe we are all born with certain strengths and weaknesses, abilities and disabilities, and gifts we are responsible for using. For me, I was born a writer. I believe that writing is my path, but that I control the speed I take, the turns I make, and the pit-stops I need along that path. There are still many, many things in my life that are completely unknown to me; however, I gather daily faith and comfort from knowing that simply living my life with passion, spontaneity, and focus, I will be as happy as I can possibly be. I stopped the war in myself through an uncompromising courage to be present.

Spend your life writing things down or taking photos or painting pictures or making movies or music—or simply BE in the moment—as long as you are LIVING…

"To live fully is to let go and die with each passing moment,
and to be reborn in each new one."

With that, I digress and I'll leave you with one more quote…

"We must make sure that our path is connected with our heart.'"

—CHELSEA

P.S. The quoted material I included is some of my most favorite quotes from the great "American Buddha," Jack Kornfield.

The "I’m wasting my life" rant

Toward the end of my second year of grad school, I knew I had to chose a focused field before I started sending out my CV. For me, I have two main "causes" in my life: the arts and education. I did my research and compiled a list of all potential (and currently hiring) non-profits in Arizona. I focused on museums and theaters, as well as public and private, primary and secondary educational institutions.

I sent out my CV and custom cover letters for three months before I graduated (early spring 2006) and for three months after I graduated. I got a few early bites in the process--phone interviews, requests for work samples, etc. I even got through to three final interviews. In the end, I found that I am over-educated and under-experienced. I am educationally qualified for every non-profit job I've applied for; however, these organizations were looking for two-five years experience. I found that most of them were also looking for specialized knowledge in industry-specific software, databases, etc.

So, after relocating to Arizona in August of 2006 and, shortly after, hearing three, successive "no"s from my interviews and watching my debt spiral out of control, I simply had to stop looking for my ideal job and instead find gainful employment. Now, I am almost one year out of school, out of practice, and completely exasperated. I feel like my search for a position in the non-profit world is as frustrating as finding my first job when I was fourteen... "Do you have experience as a waitress?" "Well, no." How am I supposed to get experience if no one will hire me?

Quite frankly, after six years of higher education and more than a handful of jobs and internships, I KNOW I am capable of learning any skill required of me at a non-profit. I know that, given the opportunity, I could convince someone to give me a chance. But, if I can't get my foot in the door--if I never find myself sitting in front of the person in charge--what else can I do? I had previously considered freelance work, though with four sections of class totaling 80 students, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to responsibly and professionally established myself as an available writer who can produce quality work under a deadline.

Now, I'm just stuck. When I finished my BFA in Creative Writing, I decided that writing poems would never get me anywhere, but that the skill of writing itself was something I could use to change the world. I asked myself: How can I be creative and technical, AND make a living? Studying non-profit documentation in grad school made so much sense. A year later, I simply cannot get rid of this nagging feeling of regret--that I wasted my time in grad school; that I could be doing great things for the arts and education; that I'm wasting my skills as a writer...

Tasty Words about Tunes

In honor of the fact that it is now less that 80 days until Coachella, I thought I'd post a little prose ditty I found in a forgotten journal of mine. I suppose I wrote it in the brief minutes between arriving home from Coachella last year, and crashing face-first into my bed for nearly 10 hours. Cheers!


Wake up at 6:30 in the morning to drive 240 miles in only 3 ½ hours to see 12 carefully chosen bands over 12 endless hours to drive home same time same miles. Driving and talking and smoking, eyes stuck to the window, I touch the ticket in my pocket 5,000 times. Dirty lovely people frying in California's desert sun, trash picking for plastic bottles to recycle (sometime in the '90s, I never thought I'd ever find the concept of "free" water to drink). Wilted vegan lettuce wraps, cheese fries for miles, huge beers that must be emptied quickly. Burnt, bleary-eyed—buzzing with the same energy that makes my feet sore from walking and my heart full from singing. And then I have to drive away, through the sand, away from the palms, back to a city where rush hour horns and a never-ending debate on illegal immigrants is the only music I hear.